Trying to be the perfect child nearly destroyed me

Trying to be the perfect child nearly destroyed(dəˈstroi) me

By Madigan Ruch

My mom used to tease(tēz) me that my first words were: “I’ll do it myself.”

Maybe it was because I was an only child, and spending hours alone left to entertain(ˌen(t)ərˈtān) myself cultivated(ˈkəltəˌvādəd) an unhealthy desire to be self-reliant(rəˈlīənt), or maybe it’s just some unalterable(ˌənˈôlt(ə)rəbəl) genetic(jəˈnedik) composition(ˌkämpəˈziSHən) completely out of my control. Whatever it was, driven by some internal force, I was fixated(ˈfikˌsāt) on proving(ˈpro͞oviNG) that “I could handle it.”

My stubbornness(ˈstəbərnnəs) and obstinance, which my mother carefully rebranded(rēˈbrand) as independence and strong will, meant that I wanted – or rather, needed – to do everything on my own.

At 12, I was co-ordinating(-ˌāt,ˈôrdnit) my swim-practice carpool(ˈkärˌpo͞ol) schedule(-jəl,ˈskejo͞ol) with the other moms and mapping out my six-year plan to university. My parents were thrilled(THril). While their friends were hounding(hound) their kids to finish their homework or stop watching TV, they were unbothered(ˌənˈbäT͟Hərd) about whether or not I’d do the right thing: They always assumed I would.

I wanted everyone to think I was capable(ˈkāpəbəl), hoping if they believed it then I would, too. Because despite(dəˈspīt) all of my efforts to appear flawless(ˈflôləs), I didn’t feel like an ounce(ouns) of it was true. On the outside I presented(priˈzent,ˈprezənt) a façade(fəˈsäd) of control; on the inside, I felt as though a thousand strings were pulling me in all different directions and it was only a matter of time before I fell(fel) apart.

As life became more complex(ˌkämˈpleks, kəmˈpleks, ˈkämˌpleks), perfection(pərˈfekSHən) became harder to achieve. I felt like I was falling, and I had no idea when I would hit the ground. Panicked(ˈpanik), I pushed myself harder while punishing(ˈpənəSHiNG) myself more severely(səˈvi(ə)rlē) for my shortcomings.

But after years of unrelenting(ˌənrəˈlen(t)iNG) pressure, I was beginning to crack(krak).

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https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/first-person/article-trying-to-be-the-perfect-child-nearly-destroyed-me/