The Universal Narrative: When You Feel Unworthy

The Universal(ˌyo͞onəˈvərsəl) Narrative(ˈnerədiv): When You Feel Unworthy(ˌənˈwərT͟Hē)

By Leo Babauta

A little boy was told by his father, from a young age, that he wasn’t good enough. Not in so many words, but through his actions — by criticizing(ˈkridəˌsīz) him, yelling(yel) at him, hitting him, leaving him.

The boy grew up into a man, knowing that he was unworthy of praise(prāz), of success, of love.

The boy, as an adult(əˈdəlt,ˈadˌəlt), got a job, but didn’t really think he was good enough to do the job well. He faked(fāk) it, deathly(ˈdeTHlē) afraid(əˈfrād) every single day that he would be found out and mocked, then fired(fīr). He tried(trīd) to hide(hīd), not to put himself in the spotlight(ˈspätˌlīt), because then maybe no one would see his unworthiness.

But he was always deathly afraid of people seeing him fail(fāl). So he held(held) himself back, careful not to do anything where he might fail. He put off taking on tough(təf) tasks, and formed a long habit of procrastination. This came to rule his life, affecting his health habits, financial(fəˈnan(t)SHəl, fīˈnan(t)SHəl) habits, relationships.

The boy, now that he was an adult, got into a couple of long-term relationships, hoping to find someone to make him happy. He didn’t believe he could make them happy or get them to love the true him, because he already knew he was unworthy of love. But maybe if he was really nice to them, and only showed them the good parts of him, they’d think he was lovable(ˈləvəb(ə)l). So he never tried to be truly honest(ˈänəst), never found true intimacy(ˈin(t)əməsē), because he could only show them certain parts that might win him love.

And he was always ready for them to find out how bad he was, to leave him. In fact, he left them before that could happen. Or if he didn’t leave them, he was only halfway(ˈhafˈwā) in the relationship, one foot out the door. Ready to leave. Only partway committed(kəˈmidəd). And in truth, they always felt(felt) that, and craved(krāv) his full commitment(kəˈmitmənt).

This was true of every friendship, every professional(prəˈfeSHənl) relationship. He was never fully committed. Never fully honest, because he couldn’t show his true self. Always anxious(ˈaNG(k)SHəs) that others might know how unworthy he was. Always trying to prove how worthy he was, even if he knew he wasn’t.

This is the story of Unworthiness. And it is fairly(ˈfe(ə)rlē) universal.

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https://zenhabits.net/unworthy/