The Habit of Calm When You’re Feeling Frustrated

The Habit of Calm(kä(l)m) When You’re Feeling Frustrated(ˈfrəˌstrādəd)

By Leo Babauta

Someone recently asked me about getting frustrated when they feel overloaded, and then shutting down or lashing(ˈlaSHiNG) out.

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This probably sounds familiar to some of us. We feel overloaded, and then maybe lash out at someone in frustration(frəˈstrāSHən) and anger.

This comes from the hope that things will be calm, orderly, simple, solid(ˈsäləd), and under control(kənˈtrōl). The world doesn’t comply(kəmˈplī) with this hope, however, as it is chaotic(kāˈädik), disorderly, constantly(ˈkänstəntlē) changing, never fixed, groundless. So we get frustrated, angry(ˈaNGgrē) at others, and feel anxiety(aNGˈzīədē).

So how do we deal with the frustration that arises(əˈrīz)? How can we create a habit of calm?

I’m going to share a series(ˈsi(ə)rēz) of practices that you can turn into habits. When you notice yourself feeling frustrated, instead of lashing out, practice the following.

If you practice them over and over, whenever you notice frustration, you will start to shift.

The first practice is to catch your habitual(həˈbiCHo͞oəl) pattern as early as you can, and shifting by not allowing yourself to indulge(inˈdəlj) in it. When you notice yourself getting frustrated and feeling overloaded, notice the urge(ərj) to go to your habitual pattern (shutting down or lashing out), but pause(pôz) instead of indulging it.

The next practice is to drop into the body. Again, pause, and let yourself take a breath(breTH). Drop your attention into your body and notice the sensations(senˈsāSHən) of frustration and overwhelm. Stay with these sensations, with curiosity. Notice how strong the urge to lash out feels, and just savor(ˈsāvər) that strong feeling instead of acting on it.

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The third practice is to use this newfound space to connect to the other person. Now, I understand that you might be angry at them, and so connecting to them is the last thing you want to do. Your heart is closed to them, because you think they are the problem. The problem is your closed heart. Try not indulging in that shutting down, and opening yourself a little. This is a challenging but transformative(tran(t)sˈfôrmədiv) practice.
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The final practice is to try to find an appropriate(əˈprōprēət), loving and compassionate(kəmˈpaSHənət) response. You have empathized(ˈempəˌTHīz) with the other person, but now you need to take action. The answer of what action to take is not always easy, but at the very least(lēst), you’re not responding from a place of anger, which is a place that gives rise(rīz) to inappropriate(ˌinəˈprōprēət) responses like lashing out.

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In the end, this stuff takes a lot of practice. But it’s immeasurably(i(m)ˈmeZH(ə)rəblē) more helpful to do these practices than to lash out, which hurts not only the other person, but yourself as well.

https://zenhabits.net/frustrating/