Using Negative People to Slow Yourself Down

Using Negative(ˈneɡədiv) People to Slow Yourself Down

By Steve Pavlina

Isn’t it reasonable(ˈrēz(ə)nəbəl) to conclude(kənˈklo͞od) that you’re using this relationship as an excuse to slow yourself down and hold yourself back from working on your own big, scary(ˈske(ə)rē) goals?

After all, wasting(wāst) time and energy on someone who isn’t really committed(kəˈmitid) to a path of growth isn’t actually going to produce meaningful results, will it? You could surely find better investments elsewhere. Learn some new skills. Write that book you’ve always been wanting to write. Branch out and meet new people. Start a new business(ˈbiznəs). Go travel for a while.

But of course, many of those things are scary. They’ll stretch(streCH) you beyond your comfort zone. It’s so much easier to deal with the familiarity(fəˌmilyˈerədē) of a negative-minded person. It almost feels good to hear them whine((h)wīn) at you, doesn’t it? Their problems are probably simple and easily solvable(sälv). You see the solutions even if they don’t. But you love clinging(ˈkliNGiNG) to their intractability(ˌinˈtraktəb(ə)l) because it helps you stay in pause(pôz) mode.

By keeping this person in your life, you also fill up some of your social space — space that might otherwise be occupied(ˈäkyəˌpīd) by people who’d actually encourage, support, and push you to grow. Negative-minded people will never push you to grow. If you became more growth oriented(ˈôrēˌənt) and began speeding up, they’d regard it as a threat(THret). What are you trying to do? Leave them behind?

Such relationships will indeed slow you down. If you have some ambitious(amˈbiSHəs) goals in your life, and you fear working on them, a great way to procrastinate(prō-,prəˈkrastəˌnāt) is to cling to a relationship that’s incompatible(ˌiNG-,ˌinkəmˈpatəbəl) with your greater vision(ˈviZHən).

The most fearful and disempowered(ˌdisemˈpouər) people I encounter(enˈkoun(t)ər) almost always have a constant(ˈkänstənt) source of negativity in their lives. Usually this is a close relative(ˈrelədiv) or a close friend. Additionally, these people wrap(rap) themselves in a belief system that says they have to value that relationship more than their own sanity(ˈsanədē), growth, happiness, and fulfillment(fo͝olˈfilmənt).

Putting your relationships first makes sense if your relationships are healthy, supportive(səˈpôrdiv), and empowering(emˈpou(-ə)r). It’s foolish to be stubborn(ˈstəbərn) and clingy(ˈkliNGē) with unhealthy(ˌənˈhelTHē) relationships though.

While your negative-minded friend may reward you for engaging(enˈgājiNG) in a clingy dependency(dəˈpendənsē) relationship, what you may not realize is that others are punishing(ˈpəniSHiNG) you for this behavior. The most growth-oriented people in your life are surely losing(lo͞oz) respect for you. They’re losing interest in you because you don’t look like a growth oriented person yourself; you look like you’re standing still, making feeble(ˈfēbəl) excuses, and succumbing(səˈkəm) to complacency(kəmˈplāsənsē). You look like someone who’s more interested in delusions(dəˈlo͞oZHən) than real growth. Most likely they won’t tell you any of this because they have better things to do. You don’t seem particularly(pə(r)ˈtikyələrlē) investment worthy(ˈwərT͟Hē).

https://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2014/11/true-loyalty/